What Is A Good Gift For My Very Serious Nephew?

This joyless boy’s a mystery to me.

  1. 1. My nephew is a grave, grim boy who takes weekly oatmeal baths, writes trivia cards for no one, and dreams of designing a superior cigarette. Next week, he turns 12. What do you get a boy like that?

  2. 2. In the past, I’ve bought him monochrome jigsaws, a model kit of the RMS Lusitania, and a bookmark that glows very faintly in the dark, but he only ever frowns deeper and says, “I am sorry, but I cannot thank you.” What am I doing wrong here?

  3. 3. I was thinking of getting him a garment steamer, since wrinkled smocks set him to handwringing and a frightening, jerky march. Does that seem like the gift you give a glowering boy who listens only to harpsichord etudes?

  4. 4. What if I got him something exciting, like fool’s gold or a betta fish? Would he unclench?

  5. 5. Please be honest: Do you think my very serious nephew will grow up okay?

  6. 6. Well, what will it be?

  • Results for What Is A Good Gift For My Very Serious Nephew?

    He Loved It

    Great advice! My nephew was overjoyed to add Quest Diagnostics stock to his portfolio. His eyes even stopped frowning for a moment. He said, “This is proper; I am well invested now,” and wrote me a short thank-you note on the spot with his watermarked stationary. I’ve never seen him so emotional. I can’t thank you enough.

  • Results for What Is A Good Gift For My Very Serious Nephew?

    He Liked It

    Could have gone worse! He frowned pretty steadily, but he said, “My suits will benefit,” and at lunch time, he encouraged me to add salt to my portion of birthday stew. Your advice was sensible and sound.

  • Results for What Is A Good Gift For My Very Serious Nephew?

    He Didn’t Like It

    I tell you, this kid. As soon as the wrapping paper’s off, he picks up my gift, says, “I have pastimes enough,” and puts it in the bottom drawer of one of his filing cabinets. He wasn’t trying to be mean, though; that’s just his filing system. One of these days, I will find the perfect gift for this clockwork individual. Thanks for trying.

  • Results for What Is A Good Gift For My Very Serious Nephew?

    He Hated It

    Fool’s gold was a disaster. I have never seen anyone frown so hard, and the thank-you note he sent just said “OKAY.” I really should have seen this coming. Thanks a lot for embarrassing me in front of my stiffest nephew.

  • Results for What Is A Good Gift For My Very Serious Nephew?

    DUMMY

    I think this is what I’m supposed to do here.