You know what really triggers liberals? When you destroy your own expensive property. That is, according to #BoycottKeurig proponents. “Liberals are offended by this video of a Keurig being thrown off of a building. Please retweet to offend a Liberal,” states one such pro-Hannity activist. And you know what? He’s absolutely right.
If you want to teach liberals a lesson (for being disgusted by a sympathetic interview with an alleged child molester) it’s time to smash your own property with a baseball bat. First of all, liberals will be intimidated by your mature way of expressing your opinion. When they watch you smashing your coffee machine to bits while laughing like a toddler hyped up on juice boxes, they’ll quickly realize they’re dealing with an intellectual powerhouse.
Liberals, being touchy-feely-tree-hugging-emotion-commies, have an irrational attachment to your personal items. Especially expensive ones. Watching a video of you smashing your stuff is like kryptonite to liberals. “Why are you assaulting that innocent coffee machine!?” they shriek, fainting from the shock of seeing an innocent Keurig hit the pavement. But why stop at coffee machines? Take a powerful magnet to your hard drive. Throw a brick into your washing machine. Squeeze a tube of petroleum jelly onto your keyboard. Tie your Roomba to a chair, and dance to the sound of “Stuck in the Middle with You” as you take a ball peen hammer to it. Take a video. Post it online for us to see. You know. To trigger the liberals.